July 5, 2021

Hello Sweetheart,

I've been wanting to write to you, too. 

Talking together with you has been such a natural aspect of life for so long. I hope that whenever you feel like writing, that you will go ahead and do it. Express yourself, even if it is painful. Sweetheart, I believe that we can only work through our pain by expressing it, and having the other person truly hear us. I am here to be your empathic witness. I am here to be the man you can talk to. I am here to hear you. I am here for you. 

Write me love letters. Write me hate letters. Write me broken hearts and what your heart envisions, and truly wants, in its best life. Your best life. We can create it together, if we really stay a 'we'. Don't lose faith in this.

Ironically, love, I am able to be here to hear you with an open mind, and an open heart, because I've learned to let go. I can be closer to you, as a man who cares about your inner heart, and I want to hear how you feel, because I can let you go. I have let you go.

I hope you will read these words gently and try to understand. I'm writing this to heal us, never hurt us. This step was really counterintuitive for me. I imagine it might be confusing to you also.

In the past, my love, I was 100% attached to you. I couldn't imagine life without you. I felt I'd die without you. Often, I couldn't even eat if you didn't feed me. I was like a baby man.

Remember boating at Williams Lake, in that little put-put boat? With bags of chips that only had 1/3 chips in them? 

The world seemed wet again, alive and florid. Before, it had felt dry and empty without you. This is how "complete" you made me feel, my love. You were like water. You bet, I couldn't imagine life without you. It didn't start out at some needy thing. You just totally captivated me, and you made me feel complete in this world.

Well, now I've had to imagine life without you, and I had to re-imagine my life as a whole. I was forced to be without you. What felt like a great curse, also contains a blessing. 

Letting you go allows me to be my own man. And, it creates the space in me that lets you be your own woman. In the past I couldn't do that. I depended on you. For food... for emotional stability... and even for things you weren't able to provide. I started needing you to complete me. This meant I was always trying to mold you into the kind of person I "needed" you to be. 

I never expected, that growing apart from you a little, and choosing to let you go, would actually improve my ability to treat you (and anyone) well. I don't have to be a needy, controlling freak. I don't actually need, to need anyone. 

I still need people, of course. And yes, I need you. But not to survive. I love you, but I'm not dependent on you, like I was.

At first, the idea of "letting you go" was absolutely terrifying! That's where I began -- simply afraid. I mean, the thought of losing a loved one is always terrifying, and very sad. Letting go felt like losing you.

I tried really, really hard to see about restoring our contact because I was afraid, deathly afraid, of losing you. 

When contact didn't happen, I had less and less to cling on to. I felt you were slipping away. Worse, I felt myself slipping away from you, too.

I had to face the fear, that if I totally let you go, you might disappear forever... as my partner, as the love of my life. I lost it when I realized, I might not even want you back. How could I guarantee it, after this much pain? I might not be able to get my own heart back, much less yours. 

I had love and dependency mixed up. I loved you, and I depended on you for things. But when we were boating back at Williams Lake, I didn't depend on you in a life-needing sense. We didn't yet have many demands on each other. We just had fun! 

I am going to follow my heart. My heart longs for a lifetime with you. That's where I'm aiming, because you've been my best friend and my heart-friend and the best lover I've ever had.

My head says it's impossible, but my head can learn. I can change what's in my head. I know darn well that if I train my brain to learn a new language, I can learn it. I've learned that training my body results in new abilities as well, and even though they're small they're huge for me. I truly believe our best years are coming, if we take the road of training our relationship skills together. It's a new language for us. How can we accept one becomes a better cook after culinary school, or a professor after training for a degree, or a hairdresser after training as you have -- and not include relationships, as a skill we can learn from experts?

Now, more than any time ever before, there is a huge wealth of information on how to do that. I've looked at it, I've bought several courses already, and I am waiting for the day I have a partner who can train with me. 

But for now, I'm working on the path forward. I have this giant home to clean, and I need practice cleaning. I have this sense of over-neediness, and I need practice being my own self. This merely means I get out and go do these things, roll my sleeves up and go do them. That's what's cleansing. 

You are right, that no feeling is final! That's why I was so scared to even think about letting go. 
What if I can't get back???

One day, I believe you will trust yourself again. You will be able to trust others again. It is in the human heart, to long to trust others. We can't escape that longing, and still thrive. When we trust others, we believe it's a good world. When we trust a lover, we believe love is a gift. Without trust, the world is empty and barren, full of curses and pain. That wonderful day at Williams Lake in our little boat, I would have trusted you with my life. I trusted you completely. Maybe you trusted me that way too. 

One great way to rekindle trust is by staying true to each other, even during these times. I will remain pure and faithful to you. I am still your husband, and I still love you as much as I ever have, my sweetheart. I am still dedicated to you and I am still devoted to you. This means, as your husband, I will do whatever it takes to restore our marriage, our trust, and our closeness. Our we-ness, you know? Whether it's fast or takes a long time, easy or terribly difficult, I will be here for you.

The uncertainty I've felt is not knowing whether or not you have this whatever it takes kind of attitude with me. 

If you do believe that keeping our marriage is worth whatever it takes, then one way forward I would walk with you, is just a series of small wins. These grow in time to bigger wins. Trust grows slowly, plants grow slowly, muscles grow slowly, you know what I'm saying. But plants grow great when we water them all the time -- not too much, but regularly. Trust grows the same way. 

This is how I changed my life for the better. When I've had to clean and scour this home, I do small pieces, and then I pause to review my work and admire it, admire myself for doing it, proudly, and say "See? This is easy! Mess loses. I win! I did it"

Same with working out. I started incredibly small. I'm still incredibly small, I just focus on the win, on the little tiny victory I create each day. I do what I call the rule of 10s: I can do 10 reps of anything, 10 minutes on any cardio machine, I can do any kind of cleaning around this house no matter how awful or sad, for at least 10 minutes. I set a timer if I need to. And then I celebrate. I freaking did it.

I long to do this with you, sweetheart. To start small, and grow. Because the only constant is change, people just never stay the same. That's why promises wear out if we don't maintain them.

Because people always change, there's really no way to trust another person forever and ever, because they might change someday -- in fact, they will. Trusting other people can be a grand illusion (though it doesn't always have to be). In truth, I can only trust myself, because I'm the only one I can control. You can only trust yourself, and so on. How do we make relationships work if we can only trust ourselves?

I believe, my lover, that you and I do this by trusting our relationship. That's the magic of marriage, doing whatever it takes to honor the "we" that we are. Not just for now, but for always. 

Why now and always? Because no feeling is final. That means we can forgive our difficulties and use them to better ourselves and better our relationship over time, because bad feelings can fade if we stop feeding them, stop choosing them. When we choose good feelings, our relationship grows. When our relationship is growing, it is natural to trust in each other more, and it is easier to choose more good feelings and good experiences. This isn't something that happens to you, and it isn't something that happens to me. It's something we choose, something we create, just like a painting.

We will either choose to grow, and trust each other more with time, or we will diminish and trust each other less. It is a choice. We decide what to paint, and we decide how much time to spend on the artwork. We decide what skills we're going to learn, if we choose to learn any new skills at all. 

I dream for a day and a season of life with you where we've learned truly new relationship skills. I sit here and imagine the bliss, of loving you and only you, with the ability to communicate in a way we know is going to be safe. To love you and know we are committed for a lifetime. There is so much good to have, if we take the path of creating it.

This should be all for today. I have to go keep cleaning! I will write more to this blog when I have the chance. I'd like to write everyday. I'd love it if you write everyday. I want to hear you. I want to know you. The good, and the bad. I want to hear the joy you have, and I definitely want to hear the pain. I want to be your man. I want to be your husband. I want to love you for life!

With love and dedication to you,

Your Boo