July 7, 2021

Good morning!

Well, I fell off. So far, evening bike exercise isn't where it's at for me. That's too bad, because I love it. I sometimes remember the silver bike you had and how I loved those bike rides with you. You are so damn cute, you're the cutest biking partner I've ever had. 

I called in sick today. After biking last night, I was so energized I couldn't sleep. And I knew it was wrong, I went and got my phone and stayed on it, in bed, til just after midnight. Normally I'm asleep around 8:30, so this was really late for me. Of course, the early alarm wasn't happening and I slept in, took the day off work, and I'm sitting here now at 10:30 with no clothes on wondering what I'll do next.

I'm glad to have failed. It's too easy for me to identify, I mean find my personal identity, in these new changes I've been exploring and enjoying. Failure, such as this is, reminds me viscerally that the work is never done, like the work of breathing is never done; it's not really "work", but it's a part of life I must keep doing as long as I live. For example, when I feel happy in a relationship, I get lazy. Why is that? Well, part of me believes the work is done. I stop relationally "working out". I do work when things go sideways, and start paying attention again. In the past, I've easily forgotten what I'm now forcing myself to learn: this is like breathing. Fitness, for me is a living thing. Relationships are a living thing. Keeping them healthy is a daily thing I do. You know as well as I do, that that wasn't how I treated relationships in the past. I wish I could ask you.

I'm sorry for writing so much yesterday. I write as though you are reading these messages, and I have empathy for you in my heart. The trick, in terms of doing right by you, is getting that empathy out of my own heart and into your world and into your life. Writing such lengthy messages doesn't feel empathic. Maybe the awkward word empathetic is fitting, but in any case, I can easily imagine you feeling overwhelmed and unable to process it all, or even think about responding to so much stuff coming your way. If that's the case, then I regret it, and that's why I'm sorry.

Truly, we give the gifts often that we wish to receive. And I'd love it if I could read 3 page messages from you, absolutely. Especially if you tried like I do, to make it engaging and positive and even throw in some tunes. Coming from you, that would be like candy to me. I think it's something we once did, early on. I miss that. I miss you in that way. I miss your inner heart, how your steel sharpens my steel, and I miss your being. The way you are, which is uniquely you. That is what I love in you and I miss you. I do not look back on our relationship and see heaps of undying negativity. We had trouble, and I believe we did not treat each other well. But that doesn't change the fact that the years with you have been the best years of my life. 

Today is rather cloudy, so that's great for sorting through things. I have saved a bunch of your stuff, and items belonging to our children. I'll create new space in the front garage to place those things in case we ever go through them and extract anything truly worth saving. It looks to me like your exit from this place was pretty hasty, and there were things left behind of yours that I wouldn't feel right throwing away. I have the goal of completely clearing out the upstairs portion of this house before July 12th, restoring the bathroom and bedrooms and living room to the condition of a vacant home. 

It's a lot of work, but interestingly this phase of life is allowing me to confront and handle the very things I have avoided in my previous life for so long: a giant bit of cleaning, organizing, and most importantly, letting things go. Minimizing. There are over $4,000 in unpaid bills attached to this home, from the time our family was here, that I get to face and handle. 

I view this as training. The more successful I become in these aspects, the more successful I become in life. I'm full of good ideas and almost famous for it, but good ideas are not valuable. Executing them is valuable. I saw you confronting that during our final times together, where you knew you had the raw talent and the passion for weaving dreads, and executing it takes the time and earns the cash. Now I'm in training to do work that backs up good ideas; it's the execution part. 

I am glad I have new tools to handle all this, but, it's not going to work and sit here trying to describe it all, while the day goes by. My love, I want you to know how much I love you. I want to thank you for the photographs. I want to thank you for every word you have written and sent, and I say this in hopes you will write more to me, anytime you feel it in your heart, even 3 times a day. Send me 2 sentences with typos of a fun thing that happened. Send me anything. I long to hear from you. 

I hope your day goes awesomely today. I hope you feel relaxed and happy. I'm glad to hear things are getting better with your car. I miss your face. And I'm sending you my undying love.