July 8, 2021

Well, I can't totally say I'm glad  to be cleaning this place up, but I know it's the right thing to do. It's a huge, giant, amount of work. And that's after  you moved some of it, yourself. That must have been a giant, utterly exhausting effort.  The kitchen's been clean, and has stayed clean, since the beginning. The dining room clutters a little, and I remove stuff before it gets too bad. There is often a sense of guilt that goes along with all this; Why didn't I do it before? Kellan was beside himself when he saw his room, and he got it all  cleaned out: the trash, the Torben things, the stuff he wants to keep, and everything else. Over time, the entire upstairs is getting sorted out, with each and every item in its place: what's trash, what belongs to someone.  This hasn't been the most ordinary summer, and for me it's definitely been a spiritual pilgrimage. It really was a pilgrimage  in the sense of being away from my home, long enough to

July 7, 2021

Good morning! Well, I fell off. So far, evening bike exercise isn't where it's at for me. That's too bad, because I love it. I sometimes remember the silver bike you had and how I loved those bike rides with you. You are so damn cute, you're the cutest biking partner I've ever had.  I called in sick today. After biking last night, I was so energized I couldn't sleep. And I knew it was wrong, I went and got my phone and stayed on it, in bed, til just after midnight. Normally I'm asleep around 8:30, so this was really late for me. Of course, the early alarm wasn't happening and I slept in, took the day off work, and I'm sitting here now at 10:30 with no clothes on wondering what I'll do next. I'm glad to have failed. It's too easy for me to identify, I mean find my personal identity, in these new changes I've been exploring and enjoying. Failure, such as this is, reminds me viscerally that the work is never done, like the work of breath

July 6, 2021: one bowl

Hello Sweetheart, I just got back from my bike ride over high drive and back. Hills cars don't even notice are major events for me, and I feel O.K. Last time I did this, this riding in the evening thing, I was laid flat the next day. Flat as a tire. I hope that tomorrow, I'm better, and still able to go. I'll sleep in a little while, then wake up and find out. Over the weekend, I broke my pattern of getting into the gym each day with the sunrise (more or less). Going back today, I was astounded how much my body slid back. I lost about a third of my ability, just in 3 days of being irregular. Wow. Consistency matters! It has been difficult parenting alone, as you might relate in many ways, but it is also heavenly to spend so much time present  with my middle son. I am not shameful about the way I was in the past; I ignored him, as much as my whole family, and I know it. I know shame won't get me anywhere. It is so wonderful to really be present with my child, if not my c

July 6, 2021: the whole pot

Wow.  I had the  most amazing counseling session today! I'd taken the call in an empty cul-de-sac, roasting in the 9AM morning sun. I wept tears that are, by my count, 32 years old. I got to the root. My counselor helped me find it. Later, maybe tomorrow, I might write a bit more about the specifics of what I found, and, surprisingly why  it is so important to reconnect the snow-globes. (It'll make sense then. I promise). At the end of the session, I'm sitting in my car, now at 10AM, with a sense of utter relaxation unlike anything I've ever known. I think I must have felt this relaxed, if I ever did before, prior to age 14. Maybe as a baby. What an incredible gift to have this teacher at this time. There's homework to do, and now I know how to do it. I am so thankful to our counselor for teaching me what she has learned. This made a major difference in my day, for sure. I have a new sense of courage about processing the old wounds that I wasn't able to process

July 5, 2021

Hello Sweetheart, I've been wanting to write to you, too.  Talking together with you has been such a natural aspect of life for so long. I hope that whenever you feel like writing, that you will go ahead and do it. Express yourself, even if it is painful. Sweetheart, I believe that we can only work through our pain by expressing it, and having the other person truly hear us. I am here to be your empathic witness. I am here to be the man you can talk to. I am here to hear you. I am here for you.  Write me love letters. Write me hate letters. Write me broken hearts and what your heart envisions, and truly wants, in its best life. Your best life. We can create it together, if we really stay a 'we'. Don't lose faith in this. Ironically, love, I am able to be here to hear you with an open mind, and an open heart, because I've learned to let go. I can be closer to you, as a man who cares about your inner heart, and I want to hear how you feel, because I can let you go. I

The Gift of Forever

Dear Sweetheart, I am so, so sorry to hear that you are in such pain. I feel you, and I feel the hurt you are going through. I sense you feel so much mistrust that it's tough to know if even communicating at all will be a good idea. It must be tough to know what to expect. Maybe it feels impossible either way... like you might be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I'm sorry for not being reliable for you in the way that you have needed. I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't be certain, or feel secure in that certainty. I'm sorry you felt your service was thankless, that it was expected of you by someone so totally ungrateful. I'm sorry you felt abused, and abused so very often. I'm sorry to hear that you're still typing from your phone! :( That must be a real pain. Although you did it without any typos! Nice! :) My Love, when I read this message of yours, I remembered how I couldn't respond. But, I am your husband, and one of my duties is